Richard Freeman's Batteries Not Included
Porn 303
by Richard Freeman


It's taken me a year to compile this 303 list, a year spent trying to find 101 films worth watching. It's been difficult, and the last few films didn't come in until the very last moment! I'm sure there are another 101 porn movies I've never seen that are worth watching—perhaps even 202 more films, but where am I going to find them (and how am I going to be able to afford them if I do find them)? And where am I going to find the time to watch them in the next year, now that I'm reviewing films every night of the year, almost.

I think there are probably 10-15 films each year that could easily make such a list, but one would have to look through 6,000 films a year to find them! So, will there be a 404 list? Perhaps, but I don't know when! There are lots of fine gonzo tapes that amuse me out on the market these days, but very few films with plot, characters, and hot sex. Alas.

Anyway, 303 films should keep even BNI readers occupied for some time. Some of these films are available for a gratuity. Those interested should get in touch with me.


Adventures Of Buttman - Here's where the madness starts, with John playing I Am A Camera, and Champagne looking adorable.

Alice In Wonderland - Kristine DeBell went on to stage, screen, and television, but she will always and only be Alice, The Alice, to me.

All American Girls In Heat - Shauna Grant was the All American Girl, even if she wasn't exactly in heat.

Anal Thunder - Who doesn't need a Rosebud film in their collection. Who is this Rex Borsky?

Angel Of The Night - Angel as a ghost? We hope she's alive and well.

Bad Wives - One of the 10 best films in the past 10 years, with career performances by Dyanna Lauren and Melissa Hill, and the usual excellence from Stephen St. Croix and director Paul Thomas. Heat, humor, weirdness, and very very bad wives (with lousy hubbies).

Barbara Broadcast - Sperm salad dressing, peeing, C.J. Laing...and the stylish Annette Haven—of course it's by Metzger.

Barlow Affair - I don't know what it's about, but I was probably just watching Teri Weigel too hard.

Beach Blanket Bango - Rene Bond as Annette Funicello, singing away, and doing sex scene after sex scene.

Bend Over Babes 2 - Rocco and Angela Summers and a motel room, what else do you need to make a film?

Blame It On Ginger - Ginger Lynn and Barbara Dare go girlo a girlo, and then seduce Jamie Gillis, who even then was playing daddies.

Blaze Of Glory - Roxanne Blaze's very own video (you're not too old to make a come-back, Roxanne).

Bobby Sox - Jamie Gillis as a washed up actor in a monster suit, Shanna McCullough as a mom in leather, and Nikki Tyler, Jon Dough and Steven St. Croix—how could PT go wrong? 1996 Movie Of The Year.

Borderline - Celeste goes across the border, and way over the line.

Bottom Dweller - The Mynxter and Lacy Rose will give you enough heat to float any boat (and you can grab Wendy Whoppers if you sink).

Bottom Dweller - Final Voyage - This one was sinking badly, until Kelly O'Dell returned, took a bath, and took on Tom Byron.

Brat - The first, and absolutely not the worse, with the delightful Jamie Summers and her nerdy husband, Mort...I mean Mark (that's not Tom Byron, it's his kinky brother, Jerry Butler).

Bustin' Out My Best - Seymore's best pre-Shane scenes (for those that can't find the original movies).

Buttman's European Adventure - Rocco, Zara and Silver in a bathroom (and John's somewhere under the sink).

Car Wash Angels - A billion blonde Mary Carols, enough fluff to stuff a pillow, so keep your eyes peeled for Careena Collins (has she retired again?).

Cheek To Cheek - The Mynxter, tutelary goddess of trailer parks, stars and directs, both with the energy of a tornado.

Chow Down - Tricia Yen, Asia Carrera, Kitty Yung and Melanie Brooks as illegitimate sisters in need of love (or at least sex).

Conquest - Jenna and Shayla go to sea, aboard the Good Ship Venus. Arf arf, who said pirates were really homosexuals? Though, God knows, the girls all get bi.

Crazed - Serenity has lost her serenity, and now resides in a loony bin, writing all over the walls, afraid to sleep, because sleep brings sex.

Creasemaster - Jonathan Morgan, crazed enough for a mad house, becomes Slam Dog (these things happen in a Dark Bros. film).

Creasemaster's Wife - Creasy's wife, Tyffany Million, goes crazy herself, and destroys marriages, and anything else that gets in her way.

Decadence - Richard Mahler's last film, on video, but no less confusing for all that.

Deep Inside Annie Sprinkle - Annie, before she gave up men, and became a goddess.

Deep Inside Brittany O'Connell - Lots and lots of the powerhouse little redhead.

Deep Inside Nikki Dial - There is never enough Nikki Dial, can never be enough.

Deep Inside Shane - The beginnings of that love affair (Shane, come back...come back, Shane).

Depraved Fantasies - What's more depraved than Tammi Ann? Tammi Ann, Bionca and Debi Diamond, that's what

Desires Within Young Girls - Georgina Spelvin trying to bring up daughters Clair Dia and Annette Haven.

Devil In Miss Jones 5 - The Dark Bros. and Juli Ashton show us the Inferno.

Dirty Mind Of Sally - Young Colleen Brennan, pre porn, and so beautiful.

Eric Kroll Videos - 6 vols. of Eric Kroll photo shoots, essential for anyone with a camera.

Exhausted - A bio (sort of) of John Holmes, while he was too tired (perhaps due to being in jail) to make porn.

Expectations - Two young girls exchange identities and lives (with Cris Cassidy and Delania Raffino, directed by Spinelli).

Expose Me Lovely - Hardboiled tale by Armand Weston with Jennifer Welles and Catherine Burgess.

Extreme Sex - Lots of hot wax and kink, and the lovely Dyanna Lauren.

Faces Of Ecstasy - Joani Blank's extraordinary cinema verite of women's faces during orgasm.

Ginger Effect - Ginger Lynn calling up the dead, for purposes of sex, only.

Ginger On The Rocks - Rich little rich girl who wants to marry a wood worker...and what wood worker wouldn't want to marry Ginger Lynn?

Harlequin Affair - Traci Lords is upset because her boy friend's getting married.

Heaven Scent - Roxanne Blaze smells T. T. Boy.

Hidden Obsessions - Janine, Julia Ann and an ice dildo.

High School Memories - Pacheco and Leslie are football players, Jamie Gillis is the coach, Annette Haven is the...the...what was Annette doing on that bus?

I Never Say No - Split screen sandwiches, and one of the first films I ever saw.

If My Mother Only Knew - Complicated relationships, family lies (mom pretends to be sister, dates daughter's boy friend, daughter dates step father—don't ask) with Amber Lynn and John Leslie.

Indecent Exposure - R. Bolla takes Veronica Hart and Jesie St. James on the road to find real life to photograph.

Inflamed - Something about God and the Devil...but they're fighting over Misty Regan.

Jailhouse Girls - Ginger Lynn in a precognitive movie about an innocent young woman sent to jail, though with prettier women than you get in real life.

Joe Elliott's College Girls - The nicest college girls in the S.F. area learn what it's like to be nasty and jump around with pom poms for Joe. Video Virgins meet the dirty ageless man.

Libertine - Pre-porn Radley Metzger comedy about the coming of age of a French widow.

Lickerish Quartet - Avant-gard Metzger pre-porn movie, that should have been hard core!

Lip Service - Jenna shows the dangers of doing phone sex.

Lunch - '70s high weirdness from San Francisco.

Marilyn Chambers Fantasies - Excellent loops from our lady of Ivory Snow.

Mascara - Lisa DeLeeuw as a part time hooker (full time sect.) with a heart of all too solid flesh.

Matinee Idol - Colleen Brennan gives the finest plaster casting in porn, with Dave Friedman in a cameo role.

Miss Directed - Tori Welles directs, Nikki Charm squirts.

Monkey Business - Seymore Butts heads south of the border with Taylor Hayes (please come back, Shane).

Never Say Never To Rocco - You can see here what happens to a group of women who try saying never.

New Wave Hookers 2 - Savannah stars, but Madison steals the show.

New Wave Hookers 4 - An insane midget vs. half of porndom. What if Greg Dark discovered mimes?

October Silk - Just some of the things that can go on in a lingerie shop (with Abigail Clayton, Candida Royalle, and the rest of New Lost City.)

Peach Fuzz - AKA Georgia Peach (a far better description of Jean Dalton).

Pretty Peaches - Desiree Cousteau let loose, without a brain, but with a body.

Private Video Magazine - The finest in Eurotrash loops.

Project Ginger - A mad scientists creates Ginger Lynn out of common household items.

Resurrection Of Eve - A young woman undergoes plastic surgery after a car accident, and ends up looking like Marilyn Chambers. You'd join orgies, too, if you were so lucky.

Sandy Insatiable - Enough sex for a lifetime as Sandy does around the world in 90 minutes.

Satisfactions - Rhonda Jo Petty takes on a construction crew.

Seduction By Fire - John Leslie helps a friend's daughter, and wouldn't you, if she were Melissa Melendez?

7 Into Snowy - Abigail Clayton takes on PT and the 7 dwarfs (they don't stand a chance).

Sex Life Of A Porn Star - Taija Rae and Shanna McCullough learn how to implement a school teacher's income.

Sex World - The only theme park I'd ever consider going to visit.

Seymore And Shane On The Loose - Let's see, I think this is the one where they go to Canada with T.T. Boy, and climb Tiffany Towers.

Skin Flick - The sensitive story of a porn director who can't think of how to end his movie (no, not an anal...not an orgy...something new...something no one's ever done before...).

Snake Eyes - Match too hard to figure out, so just keep your eyes on Laurie Smith.

Sorority Sex Kittens 3 - T. T. Boy takes on a Satanic Sorority, and beats them into submission (all it takes is five pop shots).

Starbright Amateurs #21 - The loveliest amateurs in San Francisco doing the hottest sex by heteros in that city.

Steam - Dangerous women having at each other's hubbies, and telling each other about it in the sauna.

Steamy Windows - Ashlyn Gere runs into ghosts, though Roxanne Blaze and Lacy Rose could hardly be called incorporeal.

Sticky Lips - Roxanne Blaze in some sort of porno ground hog day (though you wouldn't want to call Roxanne a ground hog).

Summer Camp Girls - God help the counselors when the campers include Shauna Grant, Danielle and Joanna Storm.

Suzie Superstar 2 - This one might be a tad hard to find, as Suzie #2 is Traci Lords.

Swap 2 - Leena wants to swing, while Lene just sways.

Talk Dirty To Me 3 - Try to find the one with Traci as the mermaid, not the Taija Rae remake.

Teenage Cruisers - American Graffiti with sex (and Johnny Legend instead of the Wolfman).

Thundercrack - The most preposterous porn movie ever made.

Tigresses - Vanessa Del Rio was more than a tigress!

Too Naughty To Say No - Angel and Ginger Lynn at a religious school meet Jamie Gillis. Guess.

Traci's Big Trick - Jacqueline Lorians as Traci Lords, in a sexpose.

Trinity Brown - Colleen Brennan as a cop, with John Leslie as her partner.

True Confessions Of Tori Welles - There are rumors that Tori is returning, but until then, these Confessions will have to do ya.

Twins - Careena Collins twice is twice as good...no, four times as good.

When She Was Bad - Georgina at Plato's Retreat, Vanessa Del Rio in full frontal assault.

Wicked Sensations - John Leslie would rather watch PT have sex than look at his own wife, Annette Haven. Go figure!

Young Like It Hot - Bill Margold as Big Dick, the philthy phone caller. And, oh yes, Hyapatia Lee and Shauna Grant, for those of you who want to watch as well as listen.