I've recently started reviewing for Adult Cinema Review as well, and I'll be reprinting reviews of some of the best of those films in a month or two. Now all I need is to find a bit of time to write an article, but for now, here are some things you can hope to find stuffed in your degenerate stockings for Xmas.
Bon Vue Enterprises: Bound To Submit
Olivia Outre is a mistress out of H.P. Lovecraft (and a director out of Erich Von Stroheim), and she takes S/M about as far outre as it can get, with very odd combinations of pleasure and pain. With her live in slave, Brooke Waters, she combines whips with Brooke's masturbation; pocket rockets with clothespins; and a strap-on with whips—it's no wonder Brooke is such a faithful slave.
Meanwhile, down in the dungeon, tied up and duct taped, Chloe lies about in a state of shock. All she had wanted to do was make a phone call to AAA, and instead, she got this! "Oh, a nice little spanking never hurt anybody...didn't your mother ever tell you not to mess around and go to stranger's doors?" I'm sure her mother told her exactly that.
Olivia finds the most fiendish uses for chopsticks, turning Chloe's nipples into petite oriental veggies and they lead her to rhetorically ask the gagged dear, "Is that a bad pussy or a good pussy? Don't be whiny...I'm determined to have some fun." And fun is exactly what she has, finding yet another use for duct tape - to hold a vibrator on a clit when someone's hands are tied, or otherwise engaged. She whips away, and Chloe goes through those spasms that we have learned to hope for and love. It's suddenly very hot in that dungeon.
Chloe decides, when finally given the choice, that she'd like to extend the visit just a bit longer, and Olivia and Brooke play games like "Eat The Grape Off Of The Slave." We are left at the end of the tape, wanting more, though Brooke is left hanging by the wrists when the stool is kicked out from under her. This crew needs to do a sequel!
Al Borda Video: Common Cunt
If these were just common cunts, Al would never have gotten such a high rating, let alone been talked back to by Justine Jett. You might know Justine, she's the young woman with Bettie Page bangs, Vulcan eyebrows, and everything pierced but her ears. Al is going to teach her how to give a bj, and when he's finished with that, he'll say to her, "Lick my ass!"
At which point, things will start to enter the Twilight Zone.
"What?!? Is it clean?"
"No! It's cleaner than yours..."
"Lick your ass...of all the fucking places...if I taste any, I'm gonna spit on you!"
Justine wants pain from Al, and he's either being humored or a bit scared, but how would your mind be if a woman said to you, "I want you to violently sodomize me until I bleed"?
Jake Steed (in his Sinboy the Sailor role) does one of his hottest scenes ever with Papillon, who sports a lovely butterfly tattoo in place of her pubic hair. It takes a very uncommon woman to do a long anal scene with Jake, as we all know. Al should have called this video "Uncommon Assholes," but he might have thought people would think he was talking about himself!
VCA Platinum: Not The Lovin' Kind
I am not going to complain about any Jim Holliday film that not only stars Shayla LaVeaux, but gives her four incredibly hot scenes (with Peter North, T.T. Boy, Jill Kelly, and a three way with Mark Davis and Sahara Sands)...but I have to at least question what sort of world this is where men would actually kick Shayla out of bed after sex? What in God's name is going on in North Hollywood, anyway? And how will God punish California for it next? El Nino? Possibly!
Shayla's just a girl who wants love, in a land where everyone wants sex—and that for one time only. And instead of going, "If you can't join ‘em, beat ‘em off," she actually decides that her only hope for happiness is not to be the lovin' kind. Shayla and Jim wrote this film, which is a sort-of country music video; but without mother, trucks, trains, prisons, or standin' in the rain—and I only hope that this isn't an indication of what Shayla's real life has become. This should never be allowed to happen to a foxy young lady who's ready and willing to suck your dick like yesterday's lollipop.
According to the syllogistic gospel here related, by authoress Jill Kelly, "Love is blind, marriage is an institution, marriage is an institution for the blind." That might work well for Aristotle, and it was apparently true for Socrates—but marriage can also give eyesight to the blind (to quote another country-little shack song that Old Man Mose used to sing.)
Anyway, you can forget the philosophy, and still enjoy Jim's one liners, all of the incredible sex, and even Nick East's vocals (though why he wants to drink whisky and make faces when he could be giving Shayla a fifth scene is beyond this suburban cowboy's imagination). As in all Jim Holliday flicks, it ain't over till it's over, so don't go turning it off after the end credits. Like some CDs, there's an extra track waiting just for you.
Charm Video, PO Box 975, Morro Bay, CA 93443: Cock Teasing & Pleasing
Catalina L'Amour is lolling in bed, reading a Mark Kernes editorial in AVN, and, of course, it gets her excited enough to want to play with herself (we mustn't even consider what would happen if she were reading, say, my VX review of Kahuna Wong's latest Vid Tech extravaganza, Teen Age Enema Nurses In Bondage Get Tickled!).
As it is, some poor soul calls her up, and immediately is invited over and made to sit through half an hour of Catalina's teasing—spanking herself, being bad, rolling around on the bed and mussing up the sheets. But at least this fellow gets a blow job from her—Kernes and I can only sit back and watch. Luckily, thinking of the pain and suffering Mark and I are going through, the lucky guy tapes her mouth shut and spanks her, hoping that this time, she'll know not to talk when her mouth is full.
The second part of the tape is a long, slow sex scene with the even luckier Damon, who gets to lick her from tits to toes, to kiss her for a longer amount of time than you'd find in 10 videos combined, to have very passionate sex—and then to get yet another very long blow job. It's no wonder lots of people have a ‘satiable curiosity (as Mr. Kipling put it) about the insatiable Catalina.
Outlaw Productions: Tortured Pizza Boy
It's fucking about time. You order a pizza, you're hungry as hell, they tell you ten minutes, the pizza boy arrives twenty minutes late with the wrong pizza—and then he thinks he's gonna get laid. But this pizza boy is delivering what should be a sausage and pepperoni pizza to Mistresses Sapphire and Roxxi, and they're fit to be tied—or at least to tie up someone else.
Pizza Boy's excited—they've grabbed and fondled him, they want to play, and when they tell him, "You don't know what's going to hit you, do you?" he doesn't believe them. But by the time they have him tied up, and are saying things like, "I love to see bruises on a cock, especially when the owner deserves them," you can see that his learning curve has grown. Not even Batman could escape from these two once they'd tied up his cock and balls, and even Batman would say, or try to say, "Oo ee oo ah ah," through the ball gag while he had his balls slapped.
These hot and saucy pizza girls deliver. One of Rick Savages' best.
Notorious Productions: Crew Sluts
Even for those of us who have our own personal bootlegged copies of Cocksucker Blues, starring the world's oldest rock 'n' roll band, certain questions of what goes on backstage with groupies are never adequately answered. True, a groupie gets passed overhead on the Stones' plane, but what do they do with her once she's out of the luggage compartment? That we don't see, yet it's exactly what we need to see.
Jef Hickey can't afford a plane on his budget, but he does manage to get a hold of a bus from a guy named Dino (no, not Dino Ninn, some other guy called Dino...) who has loaned out the bus for services to be rendered. And services are, indeed, rendered.
Tommy Gunn and Tia start things off, trying to have sex in the privacy of the bus, as we watch people walking by outside, as unaware of what's going on as the drivers on the L.A. freeways seem to be when Shane's riding in a car. There are people on the bus bugging these two, but they don't really let it upset them too badly, and give us their usual marathon 30 minutes set. This is probably what Mick does to get in tour shape (though I don't know if the Stones have been on a bus in 30 years).
Ms. Jacqueline Lick and Billy Glide get acrobatic, using the ceiling of the bus as a floor, at times; and then Jef decides that he needs to get something out of this tape as well, though he hasn't even bought hamburgers for the crew or the sluts. Sophia Rio decides to be generous, though I'm not sure whether she's prepared for Jef's more interesting tats, let alone his numerous piercings, which, if you're not careful, can chip teeth during as energetic a bj as Sophia gave him. Next time, bring the group some donuts and they'll get you laid, Jef.
Finally, the sisters of the night, who should start their own band, get started on each other—Ms. Lick, Deva Station, and Randi Rage throw a three woman raree show, which takes this tape out of stars and jams it into Gonzo class. While the cameramen try to squeeze in among the band members turned groupies, these three women show why the Bangles were a better band than Three Dog Night, anyday!
Ken Kesey once said, back in the days when he used to tour by bus, that "You're either on the bus or off the bus." Jef and Toby Dammit are definitely on the bus, and I hope I don't freeze my balls off waiting for the next Crew Sluts to roll out into Ohio.
Audacious Photos, PO Box 641741, San Francisco, CA 94109: Naked In San Francisco
$29.95 + $3 S/H with age statement - 77 Mins.
Frank Wallis is a photographer who moved West to find...well, I don't quite know what Frank thought he would find, but what he did find were lots of young girls who didn't mind getting undressed and talking to his camera—even when the camera was up on the roof of a building, overlooking Howard Street, where Jack Kerouac used to hang out way back when he was a railroad brakeman.
This tape has four long interviews with young naked women, all of whom get off on peeling in public (you do need to look up when you're in San Francisco next, or you'll miss all of the fun). They walk around the roof (it's quite large) and play with the elevator, and tell Frank more than you'd ever expect about their lives. Frank also shows us a number of his astonishing photographs of women who get naked in places like the Brooklyn Bridge, subway stations, outside public buildings, or in post offices. I do hope he'll take a camcorder with him for us, the next time he takes a young lady to a public location.
Frank has also put on the tape, some street scenes of San Francisco—of the Golden Gate bridge, of interesting looking buildings, of street musicians, and of one of those parades that separate the West from the East Coast (at least I've never seen a half naked mummer in latex in Philly at any time of the year). No sex, but lots of very interesting sexuality!
New Faces Productions, 1657 The Fairway - Dept 106, Jenkintown, PA 19046: The Witch & The Vampire
Debbie D is dressed in a spider suit (I suppose that's what a cat suit that looks like a spider web would be called), and is recherching her past—specifically what went wrong with those dates with Larry. On their first date, she dressed all in black—panties, bra, garters and stockings, but Larry never showed up. What does a girl need to do to get a Larry, anyway?
Next date, she dressed in even less, and smeared her body with a magic potion, that would cause Larry to kiss each and every body part he touched. But even without panties on, something went wrong.
Now, back in her witch's lair, she prepares for yet another another date with the young man, and I don't think he's going to have a chance to get away from her clutches this time.
The second part of the tape has Debbie playing a schoolgirl, whose parents leave her home alone for the night. Of course the first thing she does is call a girlfriend, and this young lady suggests that Debbie search her parents drawers, though it's difficult to believe that Debbie has waited so long to do this.
She finds her mother's purple shoes, and purple undies to go with them, and who could resist trying them on. But she also finds, in the bottom drawer, a dagger, and proceeds to cut herself—and turns into a vampire. This is no bad thing, however, as she is a very good looking vamp, in those purple thingies, and should she meet Larry this time, he most certainly won't get away.
Wicked Pictures: Crazed
This Jonathan Morgan directed film starts off like your ordinary JM Mad House doctor video, with Morgan having sex again with a patient (I was expecting Dave Hardman to show up for a DP)—but things can change fast in a porno movie, and Jonathan is soon being attacked for his professional behavior. Not for having sex with that poor loon, but for ordering up a lobotomy for Serenity after only a week in the hatch.
I know that most people these days do not appreciate graffiti art, especially when all it says is "no sleep." What kind of gang banging activity can that be all about? Well, wait and see. A new shrink gets Serenity's attention, and gives her an illegal cigarette, and listens, like a character in a Joseph Conrad novel, to her long and involved story.
It seems that Serenity is married to a guy who just wants wham bam thank you ma'am sex, while what she hungers for is romance. We've been here before. Women who find that the passion is gone in their marriage. She can't sleep, and is losing looks fast, so a friend gives her a sleep god she picked up while touring picturesque transsexual Transylvania. It gives good sleep and incredible dreams.
And damn if hubby soon isn't making passionate candle lit love to her. But is it her husband, or is it Mike Horner, the god in that little sleep machine? Her hubby might call her, "My darling," but is it really him yanking off that rubber for a not so romantic external cum shot?
The shrink, hearing this, tells Serenity that it was just a dream. Just a dream? It's obvious that what Serenity needs is a good Jungian analyst, and that she's not going to get one.
For his own reasons, Mike has fallen for Serenity, but our young psycho is still in love with Mr. Wham Bam (don't ask why...who can ever figure out why women love those sorts of guys, instead of us). Mike tried to disabuse Serenity and tells her that Wham Bam is doing the wild thing with Missy, and lets Serenity sense what those two are up to. Apparently, Wham Bam likes to get whipped, and Missy applies the whip to Serenity, and then continues on with her usual intense Missy scene.
Jane (that's Serenity's name) is horrified, and wakes up screaming (as well she might). But all that Wham has to say is, "Jane, you look like shit. Why don't you get some sleep." Wham has never watched horror movies, apparently, or else the brute'd understand why Jane is trying to stay awake—to avoid dick! To avoid 4 ways with Colt Steel (sans nail polish)...to avoid horny Mr. Horner.
Well, what's it gonna be? Insanity through sleep deprivation, or a lot of sleep well, sweet princess? This is the hottest I've yet seen Serenity, and she gets increasingly more demented as this truly wicked film goes on. I'll let her in my dream, any night, if she lets me in hers.
Mike Hott Video: Cunt Of The Month Dec. 1996
My God, Dirty Bob, it's Morgan Navarro. Here I've been searching for her for months, and all the while, she's been quietly resting in my To Be Reviewed Box! Well, if I didn't know who I had, neither did Mike Hott, though he should have known he had someone special from the moment she started talking dirty to him, telling him about her girlfriend and boyfriend...and no later from the first second she started to touch herself. He did bring out his A team, and gave Dick Nasty the honors, but had Mike known that he had the Queen of Tickle Videos (in my opinion), he would have reached in and tickled her for a few minutes, and gotten himself a perfect rating!
Morgan looks a lot like Rene Bond, and would be wise to look into Rene's film persona, though who knows if the '90s are looking for Rene like the '80s searched for Bettie Page. But for those of us who remember Rene (and wish we knew where and how she was), Morgan is a throw back to that earlier era. I hope she stays away from the boob job doctors, and never loses her sense of humor (which shows up during the photo shoot that's added to the end of the tape).