MUNCHING MARV'S MEATY MUNCHABLES


OK, so the GOOF has a cannibal fetish.

He likes to bite chicks.

And wear their panties.

We're talking about MARV ALBERT, of course, who wouldn't have the problems he has now -- if he wasn't such a niggardly degenerate dunce.

Getting freaky with a 42-year-old amateur.

Was he nuts?

What should he have done?

Hey, let's get advice from an expert, a truly sophisticated lady, an Adult Video Star who knows her way around a silk sheet or two -- and let her tell moronic Marv-O the Perv-O what he should have done, and should do in the future.

Our candid and earthy expert is none other than effervescent and erotic Eden, a 5-foot sizzler who tapes in at a mouth-watering 36-D/20/30.

Reporter: Alright, Sexy, as a cosmopolitan -- and outrageously and imaginative carnal young woman -- what would you recommend to a schlemiel like Marv Albert who gets himself into a shitnest which has killed his career because he's a parsimonious putz who doesn't have enough common sense to let the moths out of his wallet.

And why doesn't he?

Cuz he's too tight-fisted to want to spend the moolah for his munch-munch time. So-o-o-o, what do you want to tell him?

Eden: He should have hired a professional.

Reporter: What kind? A dominatrix?

Eden: Just a pro.

Reporter: Bingo! But would you be willing to sell him some of your underwear? Worn, of course!

Eden: Sure! But I'd charge more, if they're worn.

Reporter: Do you know any other lovely damsels who would be willing to do the same?

Eden: Oh, yeah -- oh, yeah! It should have been quite an easy task for him to find agreeable ladies -- but he's just cheap.

Reporter: And small-time.

Eden: Uh-huh!

Reporter: He was making Three Million $amolian$ a year and now his career is ruined, because the amateur who took him to court got pissed, and all because he wanted to save a few shekels.

Eden: Penny-wise, and dollar foolish.

Reporter: Penny-wise -- and penis foolish.

Eden [cracking up]: Yeah-Yeah-Yeah -- penny-wise, and penis foolish -- I like that!

Reporter: If he called you, what would you say?

Eden: If he called me? Gee, what would I say?

Reporter: Three hundred dollars?

Eden: NO [exploding with laughter]! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!

Yeah, God, I'd teach him -- I'd show him the way. I'd show him the way how to bite -- and the difference between biting and nibbling -- and what kind of panties to wear.

Reporter: Not that cheesy stuff, right, but how to pick some good lingerie.

Eden: Right, not that Target lingerie -- Tarjay, to give it the elegant pronunciation. To get serious, Frederick's of Hollywood or Playmates fancy stuff.

Reporter: Now, if Marvelous Marv felt extra freak-O, and wanted the Lady to use a Strap-On, would you be willing?

Eden: Absolutely!!! That would be a pleasure.

Reporter: For you, for sure.

Eden [erupting with laughter]: I would actually lower the rates for that!

Reporter: Is there anything --

Eden [cutting in, and still ROARING with laughter]: -- I would even pay him if I could use a Strap-On. Yeah-Yeah -- I would even pay him!!!

Reporter: Would you also be willing to give him a Golden Shower?

Eden: Oh-h-h-h-hhh -- YEAHHHHH! Yeah! Yeah, for sure!!!

Reporter: But would you bring your own Perrier. After all, Marv-O deserves nothing but the best.

Eden: I'd bring my own Perrier. And [chuckling] -- I'd bring my own special warm moisturizer.

Reporter: I think what we've got to do next, is put an 800-Number out there.

Eden: Oh, definitely, uh-huh!

Reporter: And anyone else can give him a jingle -- anyone else, that is, who wants to give him a tinkle.

Eden [enthusiastically]: I love it -- love it!