Jokes
Jokes and funny stories
Jokes about men and women



A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell me that my penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man uncoils his 50 inch rod. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "NO...NO.....and for the last time ......NO."


A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

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CULTISTS DIE AGAIN

CULTISTS DIE AGAIN - SECOND TRAGEDY OF WEEK FOR GROUP The 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult, reborn in fresh alien host bodies, were killed again yesterday when their deep-space transport vessel was fired upon by an enemy battlecruiser. The transport was enroute to Sirius, The Planet of Infinite Pleasures. After completing its leap to hyperspace, the ship was detected by a Borzok battle cruiser on a routine patrol of hyperspace. The cultists, many of whom were enjoying their newly regenerated sexual organs for the first time, were apparently innocent victims of the Borzok/Tlelaxu war, an interplanetary conflagration that has raged for seven of our Earth centuries. Sub-Commander G'Zunq of the Borzok remarked, "We deeply regret that neutral Earth-beings were harmed during the attack. Nevertheless, their vessel bore the markings of our sworn enemies, the Tlelaxu. We therefore claim this day as a great victory for the Borzok empire." Due to the remoteness of the patch of space where the incident occurred, chances of rescue are nil. According to Borzok sources, the formerly dead cultists are "absolutely toast this time." Imperial Proconsul 378%Q'nah'nah of the Tlelaxu apologized humbly for the incident, venting his external gills in the universal Tlelaxu gesture of supplication and regret. "We assure you that this was an isolated incident," said 378%Q'nah'nah. "We sincerely hope that it does not discourage future mass suicides on Earth. We have a solar system of fresh host bodies for all of you, and a Planet of Infinite Pleasures (tm) awaits all of you who join us." When asked if the Tlelaxu mission statement, _To Serve Man_, might be a cookbook, 378%Q'nah'nah abruptly terminated the interview.

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Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago.

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blowholes. That ought to knock their boat over and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less co-operative: "Sure," she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?". The other old lady said," Its a condom". "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist, surprised that the little old lady was asking for condoms, asked what type of condoms she was looking for. She thought for a few moments, and then replied, "One that fits a Camel, I guess."

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There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff.

He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.

This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?"

"We can't," said the woman. "Why not?" came the reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman.

"YOU BITCH!" screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!"

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The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare

15 "How about a little Puck?"

14 "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."

13 "Et tu, Cutie?"

12 "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"

11 "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"

10 "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"

9 "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."

8 "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."

7 "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"

6 "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!"

5 "Greetings to you, fair sailor."

4 "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"

3 "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"

2 "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me divine thy weight."

and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare...

1 "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]

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A lady named Linda went to Arkansas to visit her in-laws, and while there went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, whose eyes were closed and whose hands were behind her head.

Linda thought she was sleeping. When Linda came out, from shopping, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and asked, "Are you OK?"

The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda (not being trained in penetrating head injury) did not know what to do, so she ran into the store. Store officials called the paramedics, who had to break into the car because the door was locked. Once inside, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car. This made a loud, explosive sound like that of a gunshot, and the dough flew and struck the woman on the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, and then attempted to hold her brains in.

Gives a whole new meaning to the term "Dough head."

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Here's a story about how men and women differ:

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... . .

'Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

What?'' says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so . .... . ''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

"I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says. '= (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.. At last she speaks.)

'Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

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A preacher desiring to earn money for his church decided to purchase a horse and enter it into a race. It seems he heard there was big money in horse racing. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher entered the donkey in the next day's race and to his surprise it came in third place. The following day the headline in the racing form said:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS!

Well pleased with the outcome the preacher entered the donkey in the next day's race. The donkey won. The racing form read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT!

The ranking bishop was so upset at the news that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races again. The headlines read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS!

The bishop was infuriated and ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher gave the donkey to a local convent. The next day the paper read:

NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN!

The bishop fainted. He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal so they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the paper read:

NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS!

They buried the bishop the next day and the paper read:

TOO MUCH ASS KILLS BISHOP!

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This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

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This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food.

"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk. "Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer. "I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."

Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store.

"Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired customer. "Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."

Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says:

"Two cans of cat food please." "Do you have a cat sir?" "Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer. "I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food."

The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.

"Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food."

The very next day the guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoe box with a small hole on the cover. "Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"

"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.

"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.

"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.

Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole. "Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy.

"It looks like SHIT!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer replied

"THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"

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What do you call a man with half a brain? GIFTED

What is the thinnest book in the world? WHAT MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE...A MAN WILL SCREW ANYTHING

How does a man take a bubble bath? HE EATS BEANS BEFORE DINNER

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? THEY DON'T HAVE BALLS TO SCRATCH

What is a man's idea of foreplay? A HALF HOUR OF BEGGING

How can you tell a man is sexually excited? HE'S BREATHING

What is the difference between men and government bonds? BONDS MATURE

What do men and beer bottles have in common? THEY'RE BOTH EMPTY FROM THE NECK UP

How can you tell when a man is happy? WHO CARES

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? WE DON'T KNOW, IT'S NEVER BEEN DONE

How are men and parking spots alike? THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN AND THE ONES LEFT ARE HANDICAPPED

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? LIFTING HIS LEGS SO YOU CAN VACUUM

What did God say after he created man? I CAN DO BETTER

What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A MAN'S UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. NO MIND, 2. NO BUSINESS

How is a man like a snowstorm? BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN IT IS COMING, HOW MANY INCHES YOU'LL GET AND HOW LONG IT WILL STAY

Did you hear about the banker who is a great lover? HE KNOWS FIRST HAND THE PENALTY FOR EARLY WITHDRAWAL

Why are men like laxatives? THEY IRRITATE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

If men got pregnant, ABORTIONS WOULD BE AVAILABLE IN CONVENIENCE STORES AND DRIVE-THRU WINDOWS

Why do men name their penises? BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH THE ONE WHO MAKES ALL THE DECISIONS

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE BOYFRIENDS

HUMOR: Company Policies

The following excerpts are taken from http://www.myboss.com/, a site that allows contributions of real-life work-related experiences ...

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

New company policy: You cannot work at a job that is rated higher than your current competency level. You cannot be rated at a higher competency level until you have worked at a job rated at that level. You can not improve your competency level through training.

A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus. It reads, "How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!"

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above"

I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the possibility of canceling the fire insurance and buying a used fire truck for the employees to man.

To my previous Boss of 3 painful years: I worship the ground that awaits you.

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.

Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really required for this job."

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."

How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."



IF MEN COULD MENSTRUATE
Kathy Hayes, Reader's Digest, February 1997

A white minority of the world has spent centuries conning us into thinking that a white skin makes people superior -- even though the only thing it really does is make them more subject to ultraviolet rays and to wrinkles. Male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is "natural" to women -- though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men more vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least logical.

In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are thought to be better than the characteristics of the of the powerless -- and logic has nothing to do with it.

What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear -- menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event:

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields -- "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("You have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("Can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("Without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("You MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfless to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by giving fives and saying, Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"

TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)

Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself -- though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets -- and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing thefor their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every field would be kind: the fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, should be punishment enough.


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"God save me from a bad neighbor * And a beginner on the fiddle." *
-Italian proverb *
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PARENTS' DICTIONARY
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
UNIMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house


Every guy subconciously thinks of the following when they rate a woman's attractiveness. 1-4 are for single guys. 5 was added to cover the married ones because they already went through 1 - 4.
1. So ugly you wouldn't f--k her.
2. You'd f--k her but won't be seen in public with her.
3. You'd f--k her and be seen in public with her.
4. You'd f--k her and marry her.
5. You'd f--k her in front of your wife.

WHAT WOMEN SAY - what they mean:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
there is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE
without *you* in it

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
we haven't had a fight in a while

NO, PIZZA'S FINE
you cheap SOB!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now

I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned

COME HERE
my puppy does this too

I LIKE YOU, BUT
I don't like you

YOU NEVER LISTEN
you never listen

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the
gym has a girlfriend

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF
I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE
well, near there; I just want to get this over with

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends


WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY
I'm hungry

I'M SLEEPY
I'm sleepy

I'M TIRED
I'm tired

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

CAN I GET YOUR COAT?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

NICE DRESS!
Nice cleavage!

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE
I want to fondle you

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

WHAT'S WRONG?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'M BORED
Do you want to have sex?

I LOVE YOU
Let's have sex now

I LOVE YOU TOO
OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!

GOOD MORNING
That was great sex. Let's have more!

SEE YOU LATER
That was great sex. Let's have more!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR
I liked it better before

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR
For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!

LET'S TALK
I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks
While shopping:

YES, THAT ONE'S NICE
Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

UH HUH
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER
I'm gay

IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT
I'm really stupid!