Jokes 2
Jokes and funny stories
Jokes about men and women

Subject: AIN'T THIS THE MUTHERFUCKIN' TRUTH
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up!
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A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while the priest opened the conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you ever actually tasted it?" The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn in interrogation. He asked, "Your religion too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But..." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
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What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money
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Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
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Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
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What's love?
The delusion that one woman is different from another.
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Why do hippo's have sex underwater?
How else are you going to keep a 400 lb pussy wet?
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What's the difference between hard and dark?
It stays dark all night!
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
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Why did God give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut women up.
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What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
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Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
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Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?
Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
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Why did god create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
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What does a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
You can't fu-k with either one.
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Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf?
Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.
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What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog?
A prick that stays up all night.
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A highway patrolman stopped a blonde who had been driving at a high rate of speed. He told her that she had been driving 90 miles an hour. She exclaimed, "Why officer, that's impossible! I only left my house about thirty minutes ago!"
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What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles!
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Donuts.
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I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes, and difficulty breathing after sex.
He told me it was just the Mace.
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A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream.
The priest says, "How'd you like to fu-k that?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Out of what?"
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
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Q - What do they call the useless skin around a penis?
A - A man.
Q - What's the best thing to come out of a man's penis?
A - The wrinkles
Q - Why do most men give a nickname of the penis?
A - They don't want a stranger making 95% of their decisions
Q - What do you call a man who has lost 85% of his intelligence?
A - A widower
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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out playing golfing and having finished the 15th hole at 2 over par walks to the 16th tee. He tees up his golf ball and really cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the right side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. Since you caught me fair and square I will grant you three wishes."

The golfer says "Oh, I can't take anything from you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and he walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well I'll be... You don't meet many nice guys like him. You know he really did catch me fair and square, so even though he didn't ask me for the three wishes I'm going to give him three anyway.
"Everybody I grant wishes to always immediately chooses great wealth. So for my first grant I'll give him unlimited money.
"And all men choose as one of their three wishes a great sex life. So I'll grant him all the sex he needs to fulfill his greatest fantasies.
"Since he's a golfer and judging by this knot on my head, he could use some improvement in his game, I'll make him a scratch golfer.

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He tees up and whacks one into the same woods as before and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, the same little guy he saw a year before is sitting beside it with a knowing grin on his face. He asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

"It's fabulous! As if by magic, since I last met you, my game has improved dramatically and now I'm a scratch golfer... And I am so happy!

"I did that for you" said the leprechaun clearly pleased at this response. "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer perks right up, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket to pay for something, I always have plenty of money. I never seem to run out."

"I did that for you" said the leprechaun feeling very self-satisfied.

"And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at the leprechaun a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? How did that happen? Have I lost my power? Have I run out of gas?" He was obviously confused and worried.

Displaying great sympathy the golfer said "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

=============================================== Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fu--ing her.
Q: How do we know God is a man? A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate and a man's penis would extend from his chin.
Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip the flat ones.
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Thoughts on Beer

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A young seaman went aboard ship, and after several days got up the nerve to inquire what a virile fellow might do in the absence of women aboard ship. An experienced sailor pointed to a barrel with a bung hole in it, and told the young man that that's where the crew fulfilled their needs after the working day was over. The seaman was relieved and thanked his mentor profusely. As they turned to go about their business, the elder sailor mentioned, "Just one thing--you can't use it on Thursdays." "Why not?" The sailor replied, "It's your turn in the barrel."
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A big, mean guy approaches the Produce Clerk demanding, "I want a half head of lettuce!"

The clerk goes to the manager and says, "Some big idiot wants a half head of lettuce..." He looks over his shoulder and the customer is right behind him. "...And THIS gentleman would like the other half."

After taking care of the customer, the manager says, "You're quick on your feet. We need enterprising young people like you who can roll with the punches. How would you like to manage one of our new locations in Canada?"

To this the young clerk replies, "Only whores and hockey players live in Canada!"

The manager responds, "My wife is Canadian!"

The young clerk replies, "And what position does she play?"
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A man went to a clothes store with his son Mervyn. An attendant came up to them and asked what she could do for them, upon which the man replied, "I want a shirt for Mervyn with the BIG FU--ING HEAD!!" and he slapped him in the face 3 times, once for every word.

The attendant, quite taken aback, took his measurements and brought him the right size shirt. Next the man said, "I want trousers for Mervyn with the BIG FU--ING HEAD!!" and again he slapped him 3 times.

The attendant couldn't believe her eyes, but nevertheless she took his measurements again and brought the right size trousers. After that, the man said, "I want shoes for Mervyn with the BIG FU--ING HEAD!!" and again he slapped him!

The attendant couldn't take it anymore and asked him what the slapping was all about.

"It's a tragedy..." he replied, "I have this beautiful wife, with full, rounded breasts, and a nice tight pussy, but then she gave birth to Mervyn with the BIG FU--ING HEAD!!!"
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Hey, Masturbator (to the tune of the Macarena)

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone, Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone. Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stone. Hey Masturbator!!

I go a little faster and it's feeling kind of nice, Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice. If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice. Hey Masturbator!!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline, Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean. Never shake my hand cause you don't know where it's been Hey Masturbator!!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street, One hand on the wheel and the others on my meat. I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seat. Hey Masturbator!!

Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbator, choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomato. I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her. Hey, Masturbator!!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon, Pounding on the flounder and it's mayonnaise I'm making. Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is aching. Hey, Masturbator!!
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A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run.....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run, will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-r-run, will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at 3 and 2 and as the ump calls a walk, the Scotsman stands up yelling, "R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run"!

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got 4 balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-r-ide, ya lucky lad!"
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An elderly priest is walking through Central Park when he sees an angelic little girl, blond curly hair and blue eyes, in a little white lace dress, playing with a very cute little dog under a tree. He walks over to the girl, and says, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?"

The little girl says, "My name is Blossom."

The priest says, "Oh, what a beautiful name. How did you come to be named Blossom?"

"Well," the little girl says, "seven years ago, when I was still in my mommy's tummy, she was lying right under this tree, when a cherry blossom fell right on her stomach. She decided that if she had a baby girl that she would name her Blossom."

The priest says, "Oh, how sweet," and starts to walk away. He comes back and says, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

The girl answers, "Porky."

"Why is that?"

"Because," she says, "he likes to f--k pigs."
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You might be an X-er if...

You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch.

You remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

In your fifth grade class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up

You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song

The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories

You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark".

Three words "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?

You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend"

You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV

A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid"

While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again

You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut."

You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.

You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: - "When I was younger" - "When I was your age" - "You know, back when..."

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language

You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing,

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna,or Cyndi Lauper video

The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during "Crazy for You" by Madonna

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

(girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat

You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires

Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"

This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Lea's breasts or Han Solo's butt.

You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all

You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon

U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now

You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation

You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital)

You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there"

You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar.

You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at Tab.

You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.

"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times as Ridgemont High.

You owned a preppy handbook.

You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle for second hand reports.

You remember when there was only "G, PG and R", none of this PG-13 crap.

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

Wonder twin powers, activate! Form of a an iceberg, shape of a hammer

You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch accordingly.

You actually believed everything Leonard Nimoy told you on "In Search Of..."

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.

Bo and Luke Duke.

VCR's cost $1,000.

There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together.

Rotary dial telephones.

You anxiously awaited "That's Incredible" with Fran Tarkenton and John Davidson on Wed nights

You actually believed that Mikey (famed for his "Life" cereal commercials) died after eating a packet of pop rocks and drinking a Coke

The theme song to "Greatest American Hero" still comes back to you on occasion.....
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