Jokes 3
Newest Funny Stories

Issue Mid-July 1997

Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone cumming? That was me."
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The Madame opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked 'needy.' " Can I help you?" the Madame asked. "I want Natalie" the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps someone else..." "No, I want Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per hour. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the Man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained than no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 for one hour. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row...where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really", replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "I know," said the old man, "she gave me $3,000 to give to you."
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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look long."
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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says,

"Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"
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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. "Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Marys put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
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An Indian from a nearby reservation goes to a Whore house and knocks on the door. When the Madam answers he says, "Me want woman!"

The Madam looks at him kind of funny and says, "You want a woman huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money." "But do you have experience?" the Madam answers.

"Experience?," asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" "No, but me want woman. Me got money." The madam laughs and says "I'll tell you what honey, you go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me."

So the Indian goes out into the forest and finds a knothole to get experience with. The next week he goes back to the whorehouse and knocks on the door. When the Madam comes to the door he says, "Me want woman. Me got experience." So the Madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls.

When they get upstairs, the Indian tells her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she does he takes out a 2x4 and smacks her on the ass. "What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed. The Indian replied, "Checking for bees."
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things NOT to say when you are pulled over.......

15. No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.

14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

12. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.

10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

9. Want to race to the station, Sparky?

8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.

6. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Pussy!

5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

1. What do you use those rubber gloves for?
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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"