Jokes 4
Jokes, humorous stories - Sophie's Mentertainment® Online
"Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day"
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes . . . BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina!!
1. Finally find that damned G-spot
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The world's shortest books...
• Everything Men Know About Women
• Everything Women Know About Men
• "Things I wouldn't do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
• Human Rights Advances in China
• The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
• "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton
• "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
• "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"
• Al Gore: The Wild Years
• Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
• Career Opportunities for History Majors
• Detroit - A Travel Guide
• Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
• Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
• Easy UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it's not that difficult! :-) */
• French Hospitality
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ONLY IN THE U.S. LEGAL SYSTEM!!!
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
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Q: Why wont Hillary Clinton wear a mini skirt?
A: She doesn't want her balls to show.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they actually believe men care
Did you hear about the homosexual who lost his job at the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
You can put a load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around all week.
Two lawyers pass a cute girl on the beach. One asks the other:
"How would you like to fuck her?" The other asks "OUTTA WHAT?"
WHAT'S THE WORST THING ABOUT BEING AN ATHIEST?
YOU HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO WHEN YOU'RE GETTING A BLOWJOB.
What are the 2 worst words too hear in a men's bathroom ?
Nice dick.
What can Woody Allen do that the New York Rangers can't?
Woody Allen can score before the first period.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well Hung.
Who makes more money. A prostitute or a drug dealer?
The prostitute, she can clean her crack and reuse it.
What kind of meat does the pope eat?
NUN
How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
We don't know yet, it's never been done before
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Sooooooo.....Which condom would you use?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The Freshmaker
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock (wooo wooo)<----editorial comment
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everyone did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause Hey!! You never know....
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger licking good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, Mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life.
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: Keeps going and going and going......
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
TacoBell Condoms: Get some, make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears Latex Condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Travel Pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
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The Ballad of the Bobbit HillBillies
Come and listen to my story bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She loped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And she tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.
Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the law and confessed to the attack.
And they called out the dogs just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there".
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.
Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart long.
So a dick doc said, "Hey I can fix your dong!"
"A needle and thread is all we're gonna need,"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.
Wizzed that is.
Even seam.
Straight stream.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court.
With a half-assed lawyer, cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.
Video that is.
Unexposed. Case closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?
==============================================
Jack Schitt
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " You don't know
Jack Schitt."
Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of "Knee Deep'n Schitt Inc."
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins - Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.
Against his parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a pacifist son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
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Of course, my favorite is the last!
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms. (Thanks a lot!)
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers -s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
=============================================
Bill, Frank, and John were waiting to be cleared for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Bill and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife...and remember, I will know the truth." Bill thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, I'd say around 40 times!" "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will have to drive that yellow Honda over there for the rest of eternity."
St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered, "Sir, I believe it was around 20 times!" "Good," said St. Peter, "you may now also enter Heaven, and you will be driving that red Corvette."
St. Peter stepped up to John and repeated the question. Without pause, John answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him and asked, "Never? Are you sure?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir," he replied. "Excellent," replied St. Peter, "you may now enter Heaven, and you will be driving that beautiful gold Rolls Royce."
Grinning from ear to ear, John approached the car, but when he reached the car, he suddenly dropped his head on the roof and began to cry. St. Peter rushed over and asked, "What's the matter, John? You have never cheated on your wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be driving a Rolls Royce for the rest of eternity! Why are you crying?" John looked up at St. Peter and replied between sobs...
"I just saw my wife drive by on a skateboard!"
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If you have some (male) friends or relatives looking for female companions through personal love wanted ads, please forward them the enclosed glossary so that they'll understand better what the ads really mean!
LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD MEANS
40-ish 48
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate Possessive
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Flat chested
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun Annoying
Gentle Comatose
Good Listener Borderline Autistic
Humorous Caustic
Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker Lush
Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel If you're paying
Loves Animals Cat lady
Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like her last boyfriend did
New-Age All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded Desperate
Outgoing Loud
Passionate Desperate for sex
Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional Hanging out in the streets all the time
Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable Frumpy
Reubenesque Grossly Fat
Romantic Looks better by candle light
Self-employed Jobless
Smart Insipid
Special Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Stable Boring
Tall, thin Anorexic
Tan Wrinkled
Voluptuous Very Fat
Weight proportional to height Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged first husband to death
Writer Pompous
Young at heart Toothless crone
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
40 Facts About Men From A Woman's Perspective
1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman--the man would get lost.
5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.
6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini..
7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
11. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
12. If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
14. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
16. How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."
17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000 stereo in it.
18. What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili!"
19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
20. What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
22. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
23. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
29. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
30. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
31. How do you get a man to exercise?
Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
32. What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
33. Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
34. What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted.
35. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.
36. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a U.F.O.?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
37. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
38. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
39. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, back then, men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
40. Why is NASA sending up female astronauts in the Space Shuttle?
Because, even today, men still won't ask for directions
=============================
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
====================================
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fast back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!"
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A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child".
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Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night!!?????"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"
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A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
=================================================
After a few years of married life, a guy found that he was unable to perform anymore. He went to his doctor, who tried a few things, but nothing worked.
Our friend was told, "it's all in your mind," then referred him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the professional confessed, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist referred him to witch doctor. (As any competent psychiatrist would.) The witch doctor said, "I can cure this," and threw some powder on a flame. There is a flash accompanied by billowing blue smoke........
The witch doctor said, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
Our no longer impotent friend asked the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor said, "All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" Our renewed hero raced home and that night was ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... He lay in bed with her and said "123;" suddenly he achieved an erection. His wife turned over and asked, "What did you say '123' for?"
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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.
The Italian says - "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy"
The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean on the curtains. She hits the f...ing roof !!!
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Question: What does a man have in common with a carpet tile?
Answer: Lay him right the first time, and you can walk all over him the rest of your life.
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A wizard is walking along in the park one day. He didn't have much on his agenda so he's just strolling along. Eventually he comes to a portion of the park where there is a fountain and a statue of a man and a statue of a woman. He thinks to himself 'It must be hard being a statue and just standing there through eternity.' So, on an impulse, he uses his magic and brings both statues to life. He says to the two statues,
"I've given you two life for half an hour. Do what you most desire in that time".
The male statue looks at the female statue and the female statue looks at the male statue. "Shall we?" he asks. "Yes, lets." she replies.
So the two of them disappear into the bushes. There's this rustling and thumping for a while and then quite a bit of grunting. Eventually after 15 minutes the two statues emerge from the bushes,covered in old lolly papers and dirt, but both flushed and grinning.
"You've still got 15 minutes" says the wizard.
The male statue turns to the female statue. "Shall we do it again?" "Yes", she answers, "but this time you hold the pigeon, and I'll shit on it."
==================================
Remember: MIR is Russian for AMTRACK.
President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President called. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin.
"Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it", said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah", said the President, "print........ 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM', on each one!"
===================================
Subject: Victoria's Secret---Top 10
Top ten things men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
=====================================
GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running .
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
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