Jokes 12
Jokes, humorous stories - Sophie's Mentertainment® Online

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An Englishman, an American and a German were sitting at the bar, drinking beer, and discussing how stupid there wives were.
The Englishman says," I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat, because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The American agrees that she seems pretty thick, but says that his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spend $17,000 on a new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive."
The German nods sagely, and agrees that these two women sound like they walked trough the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it", he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put a 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
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The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad. "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys ! Boys ! Boys !" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."

They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor !"

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Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You Can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
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Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
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Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He Looks better than you.
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Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
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Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
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Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
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Good: Your wife says you can go golfing all you want.
Bad: Because she's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
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Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year.
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Good: The Teacher Likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a man.
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Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: There are 5 guys waiting in line.
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Signs

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS

Sign in Egyptian hotel:
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!
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Subject: WOMEN'S SNAPPY COMEBACKS TO PICKUP LINES.......

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

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QUOTES:

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.
A woman already knows. -- Frederick Ryder

Men get laid, but women get screwed. -- Quentin Crisp (English writer)

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? -- Beverly Mickins(American comedienne)

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. -- Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb. -- Anonymous

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last. -- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. -- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. -- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? -- Carrie Snow

The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. -- Anonymous

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brunette JOKE:

A brunette goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

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