Jokes 12
Jokes, humorous stories - Sophie's Mentertainment® Online
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I cannot change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again.
After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
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1) Landlord Letters
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Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords...
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."
9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."
10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
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2) The Trouble Tree (Inspirational)
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The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over and sprayed the dead rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's aerosol can!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What do you have there, lady?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"Revlon Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:
The people who are starting college next fall across the nation were born in 1980.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
We went to the moon a long time ago and it must have not been that big a deal because we don't go there any more.
They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.
The digital Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They have no idea what "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." means.
They don't know that "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" is Jenny's phone number.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard the term "Where's the beef?".
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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
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A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night.
They're talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring," said the rich man.
The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says, "Why in the hell did you get her both?"
The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."
After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday. The poor man responds, "I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items. The poor man replied, "Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself."
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THE FOLLOWING ARE QUOTES FROM 11-YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
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Extreme Bumper Stickers
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Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
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