Jokes 20
Jokes, humorous stories - Sophie's Mentertainment® Online
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
Subject: Men vs. Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF: - You know what a "burnout" is. - You know what "Sike" means. - You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off". - You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer". - You wanted to be a Goonie. - You know who Max Headroom is. - You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing. - You could breakdance, or wish you could. - You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween. - Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away. - You wanted to be on StarSearch. - You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. - You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did. - You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout". - You HAD to have your MTV - You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future". - You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. - You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie. - You heard of Garbage Pail Kids. - You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince". - You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. - You own any cassettes. - You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon. - You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. - Or any other stupid collection they came out with. - Poltergeist freaked you out. - You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox. - You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. - You know what a Doozer is. - You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did. - You ever had a Swatch Watch. - You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran - You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. - You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos. - You know what a "Whammee" is. - You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most certainly a product of the 80's!
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There's this guy sitting inside a bar, looking at his drink. He stares at it for half-an-hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.
Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
Vladamir: "OK. It's a deal."
Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around."
Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."
The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.
As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.
"It's working," he thought. But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.
He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"
Vito: "You're supposed to put the potato in the front."
` A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.
"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly."Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.
"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."
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There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
There was a woman doing her dishes, and as she looked out the window she spied her little boy buck naked and just ready to mount the neighbor girl. She ran outside and grabbed her son and brought him into the house while scolding him and telling him that, "You can't do that, she's got teeth in there and she'll bite IT off."
Being as impressionable as little kids are, he went through his whole life believing what his mother had told him....So, to make a long story short......
It was his wedding night, and his bride had gotten herself all dolled up, and was laying on the bed and said, "Come on Honey, let's do it."
To which the groom replied, "Oh no, my Mamma told me that you've got teeth in there and you'll bite IT off."
So the bride lifted up her nightie, spread her legs, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and shoved his face in her crotch and said, "Look, do you see any teeth down there?"
And the groom said, "NO, and no wonder, look what shape your gums are in!"
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and an unknown number of hares.
Where Did Our Favorite Pets Come From?It is reported that the following chapter from the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question above.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was the NOT the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other...