Jokes 21
Jokes, humorous stories - Sophie's Mentertainment® Online
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"
101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX!!1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Med-c-Alert pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out!
11. PERSON 1: This is your first time...right? PERSON 2: Yeah...today.
12. (in the No-Tel Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour.
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
15. Do you accept Visa?
16. On second thought, let's turn out the lights.
17. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend.
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, OK?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober.
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo.
22. Do you get any premium channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya?
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I brushed my teeth!
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. Why am I doing all the work?
31. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies.
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! NOW!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living.
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel.
42. That leak had better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries.
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
45. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking, you might have better endurance.
47. No really...I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate.
49. This would be more fun with a few more people!
50. You're almost as good as my ex.
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is the mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash!
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you.
58. You know, my husband owns a sawed-off shotgun.
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession to make...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind on the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who think sex means something.
72. Did you come yet dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you once.
77. Hic! I think I need another beer to do this please!
78. I think biting is romantic - don't you?
79. Q: You can cook too, right? A: What do you think I'm doing?
80. MAN: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like. WOMAN: Yourself?
81. When would you like to meet my parents?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me...I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog is really friendly...for a Doberman.
88. Sorry, but I don't do tees!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly? I SAID NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
92. I'll bet you didn't know I worked for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. FLASH!
94. My old girlfriend/boyfriend used to do it much longer.
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!!!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses.
99. Please understand I'm only doing this for the raise!
100. You mean your not my blind date?
101. HOW LONG DO YOU PLAN TO BE "ALMOST THERE"????
And...
THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]
4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So... How am I doin'?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA (must be read with an Italian accent)One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Hey, take time to do this, and DON'T scroll down until you follow the instructions! It's pretty interesting. Have fun!A man (M) and a lady (L) who are very much in love, and devoted to one another, are separated by a river with no way of getting across to the other side.
On L's side of the river, there is a boatman (B) who is able to take her over to the other side of the river but he refuses to do so unless she pays him a price of $20, twice his normal fare.
L has no money.
Another man (S) then tells L that he will give her $20 if she sleeps with him.
L agrees to do so and on receiving the $20, pays B who takes her over to the other side of the river.
She is reunited with M and they are very happy together.
However, a friend (F) of M finds out what L did with S and immediately tells M.
On learning the news, M finds L and ends things with her, stating that he wants nothing more to do with her.
Your task is to rank these five people, M, L, B, S, and F, from best to worst (i.e. best person to worst person).
1) 2) 3) 4) 5)
Don't read any further until you've finished the 1-5. If you do, you'll miss the whole point. When you do finish, scroll down and read on.
The order which you've ranked the five people is supposed to represent the importance that you place on different things in your life. 1 being the most important, and 5 being the least.
The letters stand for:
M-morality S-sex L-love B-business F-friends
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. ----- Susie Loucks
Old Man With Young WifeA ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes me my favorite meal. In the afternoon, when she gets a break, she rushes home and we make love some more. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make lot's of love, lot's of love..."
(sniff). He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand it. It sounds like you have a great relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
He was driving home one evening, on a two-lane country road. Work, in this small Midwestern community, was almost as slow as his beat-up Pontiac, but he never quit looking. Ever since the factory closed, he'd been unemployed, and with winter raging on, the chill had finally hit home.It was a lonely road. Not very many people had a reason to be on it, unless they were leaving. Most of his friends had already left. They had families to feed and dreams to fulfill, but he stayed on. After all, this was where he buried his mother and father. He was born here and knew the country.
He could go down this road blind, and tell you what was on either side, and with his headlights not working, that came in handy. It was starting to get dark and light snow flurries were coming down. He'd better get a move on.
You know, he almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side of the road. But even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.
Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe, he looked poor and hungry.
He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill that only fear can put in you. He said, "I'm here to help you ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Joe."
Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Joe crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire, but he had to get dirty and his hands hurt. As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down her window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.
Joe just smiled as he closed her trunk. She asked him how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She had already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped.
Joe never thought twice about the money. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way. He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance that they needed, and Joe added "...and think of me".
He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight. A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The cash register was like the telephone of an out of work actor-it didn't ring much.
Her waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed that the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Joe.
After the lady finished her meal, and the waitress went to get her change from a hundred dollar bill, the lady slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. She wondered where the lady could be, then she noticed something written on a napkin. There were tears in her eyes, when she read what the lady wrote. It said,
"You don't owe me a thing, I've been there too. Someone once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here's what you do... Don't let the chain of love end with you."
Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could she have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.
She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, Everything's gonna be all right; I love you Joe."
This is not nice......and yet soooooooo funny.........It's safer to stay home on the couch.... Being single isn't that bad when you consider the ways in which you can become single, like this poor couple. Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a thing.
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love. The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance --- straight down! Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her, which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out. Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on. Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet. Doctors managed to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was unable---and unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are irreparable. Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed himself from the gene pool.
THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent.....12
Without partner's consent. 187
UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands........7
Using one trembling hand...36
Lifting partner............15
Dragging partner on floor..16
Using skateboard............3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man....2
Losing erection............14
Searching for it..........115
PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection.............1.5
Without erection..........300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
Experienced.................6
Inexperienced..............73
If a man does it..........680
Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room.
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen..26
Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission.55
American- Both on top......60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing....................7
Sliding around..............9
Serious skidding...........12
Whiplash...................27
Thanking partner quickly......2
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off...............35
Expression didn't change....1/2
Orchestra swelled.............6
Birds sang
Large birds..................7
Small birds..................3
Earth moved..................30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm................1/2
A few moments before orgasm.500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman.....................3
For men......................72
GUILT:
Despite no formal training,
orgasm comes easily..........53
You're enjoying sex,despite the
fact that other people are starving......................2
Sex on your lunch hour........3
Putting it on expense account..20
AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps showing plants..5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay.........14
Partner visiting bathroom for 7th time.....................10
Partner taking phone calls....7
Partner making phone calls...40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse........60
By your spouse..............100
Trying to explain............55
Trying to remain calm.......100
Leaping out of bed...........75
Getting dressed in one motion 500
ORGASM:
Real.......................27
Faked.....................160