I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men . . .
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous - definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick.
Not a chance.
Other Stuff
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10th of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows or eyelashes.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Polar bears are left handed.
The cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
After reading all of this, the only thing I have to say is.....
Blasted pigs.
Self Examination
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out
on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The next day, when the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher called on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he was often troublesome. But, eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard. Then, he took his seat back at his desk.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie 'exciting report' was all about, so she asked him what it was all about. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well, we can all see that," said the teacher, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie. "All I know is that my sister said she missed one, then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, a young lady flagged me down and asked for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?"
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???"
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as could be)
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"
Advertising Snafus
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to
their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Truth from the Bud Man.....
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following
in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many
people had use for the "manure stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on
The label of what's inside, since many people can't read
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
(el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi generation" translated into
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la,"
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax,"
depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to
find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness
in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused
man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass
you."
Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and
make you pregnant."
FRACTURED FAIRY TALES
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .45 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You have presented absolutely no evidence to this court supporting your claim that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 am Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 am, Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?"
The guy says, "Gee, I don't know." The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium." The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get out of the store.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerk asks the size, and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large." The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The kid embarassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4; she grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"
WOMAN!
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to
want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first.
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%...wedding cake.
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer. The frog says "Hi, what's your name?"
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says,
"Okay,
what's your name?
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will
this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the
bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me.
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but
there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow
some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not
even sure what it is."
The manager says: "It's a nick-nack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan,
his old man's a Rolling Stone."