Funny and Sexy Stories



Issue May/June 1997



Stories

(Contributed by readers)

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney, implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers. He has a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "Hi, my name is Herbie Stockton. I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "OK, you've had a rough time so I'll let you come in. But there is one condition: I don't want you to go near my granddaughter". He says "By the way, it's nice to meet you my name is Wang Chow".

Herbie, exhausted and hungry, gratefully accedes, saying "It's nice to meet you too and don't worry, I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"

Wang Chow says "Good, but if I do catch you fooling around with her, then I will torture you with the three worst Chinese tortures ever known to man."

"OK, OK" Herbie says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when Herbie came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, Herbie snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had exquisite sex for hours, but kept the noise down to a minimum. Herbie crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "If I'm caught, any three tortures are definitely worth it after that delightfully sensuous experience."

Well, the next morning Herbie awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture this is" Herbie thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture: Rock tied to right testicle".

Herbie, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, immediately jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

Arrrrghhhh!

---

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

---

Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
Cause he heard the Ref was blowing fowls

---

WISDOM FROM THE WALLS

From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder. They compiled some really great graffiti, and here it is:

If you can piss this high, join the fire department. -On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet: O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away. -Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. -Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice. -Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" -Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. -Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra -Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. -Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! -Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God -The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? -Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress! -Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

---

50th ANNIVERSARY

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentlemen said to his wife,"Just think honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together".

"Hmmm", the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say....should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramp. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!!"


25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question
"Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Submitted by: Bruce Guthrie @ nmaa.org
\\|//
(o o) ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST
~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~

---

A father and his son go into the grocery store where they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and one for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "Well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......"

---

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the equipment.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"

---

My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]

Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars Reds and peyote to work out your bugs These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys Users of heroin, often called junkies Methadone helps then to stop being thugs Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.

On a bad trip When the cops come When I lose my head I simply take more of my favorite drugs And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!

---

"Nose-Picking Glossary":
THE KIDDIE PICK: When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PAYDIRT: The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

---

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

---

Monday morning, after an all weekend party, (most of which he doesn't remember) this guy wakes up to find two stripes circling all the way around his cock. One bright red the other brown.

Not remembering what he might have done to have gotten these, he decides to go to his doctor and have it checked out. After explaining to the doctor that he's not sure how they got there, but he wanted to have them checked out, the doctor tells him that they will run several tests and figure out the best form of treatment for him.

After the tests have been run and analyzed the doctor tells him that he has good and bad news. "The good new is that the red stripe is lipstick.

The bad news is the brown stripe is Skoal."

The following is a list of possible slogans promoting National Condom
Week.
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
3. Don't be silly . protect your willy.
4. Before you blast her, guard your bushmaster.
5. Don't be a loner . cover your boner.
6. When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
8. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
9. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
10. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger.
11. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
12. If you slip between thighs, be sure to condomize.
13. To save embarrassment later, cover your 'gator.
14. She won't be sick if you wrap your dick.
15. If you go into heat, package your meat.
16. While undressing Venus, dress that penis.
17. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit-up that trouser mouse.
18. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
19. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
20. Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock got a stockin'.
21. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
22. The right selection? Sack that erection.
23. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
24. A crank with armor will never harm her.
25. Don't be in a jiffy . cover your stiffy.

Bill Clinton awoke in a hospital bed after a terrible accident, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. He asked the nurse why are the curtains closed, "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that you were dead...
***
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, Throw the first PITCH!"
***
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter told them the night's special was chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary said. The waiter nodded, "And the vegetable?" "Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replied.
***
Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation.
***
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
Chelsea
***
What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex? "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
***
Clinton was looking out of the window and he noticed that someone had urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he ordered the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director called, "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he stated. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Gore."

"And the bad news?" Clinton demanded. After a slight pause, the director replied, " Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"
***
Clinton returned from vacation in Arkansas and walked down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the stairs, the honor guardsman stepped forward and remarked, "Nice pigs, Mr. President."

Clinton replied, "I'll have you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?" The honor guardsman answered, "Nice trade, Sir."
***

This is very sick, but also very funny. Actually from the LA Times.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tornaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his head. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree bums to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story.

10.) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Ouch!

9.) "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8.) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show.

7.) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6.) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
intestines and rectums.

5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube........

4.) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3.) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2.) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

l.) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.



The following is an actual transcript of a US Navy radio conversation, reluctantly released by the Chief of Naval Operations in the fall of 1995.

TRANSMISSION: Please divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision.

RESPONSE: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

TRANSMISSION: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

RESPONSE: NO. I say again, divert YOUR course.

TRANSMISSION: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

RESPONSE: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
-------------------------------

THE THREE BLONDES

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a redhead and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a brunette. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.


Send me your score and I'll tell you what my score was.

The Corruption Test -- How Sleazy are You?

(1) Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune? 1 point
(2) Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person? 2 points
(3) Ever tried alcohol? 1 point
(4) Ever been drunk? 2 points
(5) Ever play drinking games? 2 points
(6) Ever fall down because you drank too much? 3 points
(7) Ever drink enough to throw up? 4 points (bonus: throwing up on yourself or another person 1 point)
(8) Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? 5 points
(9) Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? 8 points
(10) Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl? 5 points
(11) Do you drink regularly, at least 3 times a week? 3 points
(bonus: 1 point for each additional day (max 7 points)
(12) Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? 4 points
(13) Ever try pot, hash, magic mushrooms? 4 points for each one tried
(14) Do you do drugs regularly? 4 points (bonus: at least 4 times a week, 4 points
(15) Ever bought soft drugs? 4 points
(16) Ever sell drugs? 8 points
(17) Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? 12 points
(18) Ever used barbiturates? 8 points
(19) Ever used hallucinogens? 8 points
(20) Ever used narcotics? 10 points
(21) Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours? 8 points
(22) Ever been on a date? 2 points
(23) Ever been felt up, groped? 2 points (bonus: to orgasm, 2 points)
(24) Ever had sexual intercourse? 6 points
(25) Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex? (Or same sex if you're gay) 5 points
(26) Ever paid for sex? 8 points
(27) Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? 4 points
(28) Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and succeed? 8 points
(29) Ever engage in oral sex? 4 points (bonus: to orgasm, 2 points)
(30) Ever engage in anal sex? 6 points (bonus: to orgasm, 2 points)
(31) Ever engage in the 69 position? 4 points
(32) Ever contract an STD? 12 points
(33) Ever had sex without a contraceptive? 4 points
(34) Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? 12 points
(35) Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week? 4 points
(36) Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? 9 points
(37) Ever had sex in a public place? 6 points
(38) Ever had carpet burns in relation to a sexual act? 4 points
(39) Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? 10 points
(40) Ever practiced bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual gratification? 8 points
(41) Ever used sex toys? 6 points
(42) Ever pass out during sex? 5 points
(43) Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity? 4 points
(44) Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? 3 points
(45) Ever bought something in a sex shop? 3 points
(46) Ever licked or have someone lick an eyeball - 1 point; toes - 2 points; ears -1 point
(47) Ever have sex with a relative? 5 points
(48) Ever make someone sleep in the wet spot? 6 points
(49) Does necrophilia, pedophilia, or bestiality turn you on? 20 points
(50) Ever been arrested? 8 points (bonus: If convicted 7 points)

SCORING
0-20 A life with the church is too corrupt for you.
21-40 You barely make our scale.
41-60 Approaching normal, you aren't much fun on a date.
61-100 Normal, you use your right hand like everyone else.
101-130 Above average, you've got a few tricks below the belt.
131-160 You're enjoying life to the max.
161-200 You're a danger to society. Who let you out on a day pass?
200+ You're going straight to hell.

Hey, take time to do this, and DON'T scroll down until you follow the instructions! It's pretty interesting.

A man (M) and a lady (L) who are very much in love, and devoted to one another are separated by a river with no way of getting across to the other side. On L's side of the river, there is a boatman (B) who is able to take her over to the other side of the river but refuses to do so unless she pays him a price of $20, twice his normal fare.

L has no money. Another man (S) then tells L that he will giver her $20 if she sleeps with him. L agrees to do so and on receiving the $20, pays B who takes her over to the other side of the river. She is reunited with M and they are very happy together.

However, a friend of M (F) finds out what L did with S and immediately tells M. On learning the news, M finds L and ends things with her, stating that he wants nothing more to do with her. Your task is to rank These five people, M, L, B, S, and F, from best to worst. (i.e., best person to worst person.)

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)

Don't read any further until you've finished the 1-5. If you do, you'll miss the whole point. When you do finish, scroll down and read on.


------NO PEEKING UNTIL YOU'RE DONE------


The order which you've ranked the five people is supposed to represent the importance that you place on different things in your life. 1 being the most important, and 5 being the least.

The letters stand for:

M-morality
S-sex
L-love
B-business
F-friends