Stories 2
Funny and Sexy Stories #2
Issue May/June 1997
Signs You Are Having A Bad Date
- Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother
- You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her
- She has a thicker mustache than you
- When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions
- You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole
- Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system
- You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass
- You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin
- At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic
- She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut
- You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno
- At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill
- You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh
- She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan
- She is better hung than you
- She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her
- She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you
- She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend and/or husband doesn't like you
Contract
This is to certify that I, _____________________, the undersigned, being a female about to enjoy sexual relations with Mr. __________, am above the age of legal consent, in my right mind, and in possession of a sound body certify the following, to wit:
1. I am not under the influence of any narcotics, liquor, or other substance that might impair my senses during the act of coitus.
2. The gentleman in question will not have to use force, threats or promises of any kind to induce me, as I will assume all the necessary positions with a clear mind and of my own free will.
3. I don't give a damn about his marital status: I will capitulate.
4. I have no fear of him and will not bite, kick fight, scratch or use any other force to ward him off (unless, of course he desires it).
5. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this act, because I love it as much as he does -- or will.
6. I assume all responsibilities for damage to any bed sheets, torn pillow cases, broken bed springs, and any other articles that may become damaged as the result of pleasurable use.
7. I will not cry, grunt, or scream so loud that everyone in the neighborhood will hear me (unless, of course he desires it).
8. I expect during intercourse to be bounced around, that is to receive all that is coming to me; to stand or lie in any position that he may deem necessary for the betterment of the sexual connection; to sit, squeeze, pull, tighten, or loosen any thing he determines to be important and beneficial to a better relationship with him.
9. I will never under any circumstances appear as a witness against him or prosecute him in any way as the result of the culmination of this sexual intercourse.
Signed before going to bed this _____ day, ___________, 19_____.
NAME:____________; ADDRESS______________ PHONE:__________
Personally appeared before me _____________________________ who swears and affirms that the above is her signature, given this day freely and without purpose of evasion or mental reservation.
____________________________
Notary Public
Signs
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs. "
- Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex.
- Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.
- Can't hail a cab. - impotent.
- Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - prefers virgins.
- Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. - Is a virgin.
- Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. - Compulsive Don Juan.
- Insists on going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. - Compulsive Don Quixote.
- Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. - Compulsive Don Ho.
- Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - will swallow.
- Wants to go to a deli. - Won't swallow.
- Uses Sweet n' Low. - Wearing falsies.
- Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.
- Orders salad dressing on the side. - Will give you a hand job but will not go "all the way. "
- Gives explicit orders to waiter. - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
- Asks for extra rolls. - Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
- Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have. . . " - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
- Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.
- Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.
- Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.
- Doesn't finish everything on plate. - Has already come.
- Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. - Will make you sleep on wet spot.
- Changes mind after ordering. - Will never call you.
- Changes tables. - Nymphomaniac.
- Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms (female).
- Orders in French. - Fakes orgasms (male).
- Sends food back. - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.
- Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
- Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a handjob.
- Orders a dessert involving nuts. - Castrating bitch.
- Wants to split dessert. - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.
- Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.
- Undertips waiter. - Small penis.
- Undertips parking valet. - Small penis.
- Undertips cabbie. - Small penis.
- Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
- Removable cassette player in car. - Pull outs repeatedly during sex.
- Cellular phone in car. - Penile implant.
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God was reviewing his checklist for creating the world:
- Create the earth ------ DONE & it is good
- Create the heavens ---- DONE & it is good
- Create light ---------- DONE & it is good
- Create the animals ---- DONE & it is good
- Create the Garden ----- DONE & it is good
- Create Adam & Eve ----- DONE & it is good
Now God sits Adam & Eve down and says, "I've gone over my list and everything so far is good.
Now I've 2 more items to take care of. First, one of you will get to pee standing up. . . "
Immediately Adam throws his hand in the air, "Oh, I will, I will, pick me, pick me, can I?, can I?, please?, please?! "
God looks down at his list, "Very well then Adam, you'll get to pee standing up," God says as He checks it off His list.
"That leaves the last one for you Eve. You'll get to have multiple orgasms. "
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A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there. "
The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.
"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
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A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle because I am still a virgin." The startled groom says, "How can that be? You've been married three times before." The bride responds, "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was. . . God I miss him!"
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